Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Weird Sex is Great Sex!

Anyone who would argue with the title of this post...well...they're just not doing it right.  Normal sex is probably responsible for more divorces than spousal abuse, financial problems and alcoholism combined.  See, normal is standard.  It's routine.  And the last thing you want your sex to be is routine.  As I have said in previous posts, weirdness is all about the unexpected.  That's why I wanted to take a moment and highlight the importance of not being afraid to get a little weird with your own sexual encounters.

Don't worry, you don't have to run out and buy a matching set of his and her furvert costumes, as pictured above (for those that aren't already aware, furry fetishists wear these for sexy time).  But it is always a good idea to have an expanded arsenal when it comes to pleasing your partner - and satisfying yourself in the process.  A willingness to get weird does marvels in this regard.

I care so deeply for the sex lives of my readers, that I'm willing to go out on a limb for this one.  Here are a few practices, that some may refer to as strange sex acts, that I suggest you try as soon as possible.

We'll start with ponyplay.  Ponyplay is a type of bondage where one person serves as "pony" and the other facilitates the role of "rider".  This can be an expensive hobby, as it entails the purchase of a riding crop/whip, several leather straps and reins, a saddle, blinders (optional) and some incarnation of a mouth harness.  It allows you to reduce your partner to the level of an animal, and then you treat them as such.  Let's be fair people!  It's nice to take turns.

For those of you with partners that can't seem to shut up during sex, you may want to try pseudonecrophilia.  Don't get scared!  I'm not advocating sex with dead people.  In pseudonecrophilia, your partner just pretends to be dead (or asleep, if it makes you feel more comfortable).  If you want to go real hardcore, have your partner take a nice long ice dip before doing the deed.  Oh yeah!

Since I happen to be in Miami, I thought I should also include this next one for all of you graffiti artists with penchants for vandalism.  It also happens to be my personal favorite, ladies.  We are talking about salirophilia.  Salirophilia involves taking pleasure in the act of debasing and defiling the object of your desires.  This is the opposite of communism, as it looks horrible on paper, but in practice, it's amazing!!!  You tear their clothes, smear their makeup, mess up their hair and even apply some light choking.  Hardcore salirophiliacs will even cover their partner in food products, dirt, or even mud (I pass on that, you probably should, too).  It's very important to remember that this is not intended to hurt, injure, maim or cripple your partner, only sully their appearance.    

Always be sure to discuss incorporating these practices with your partner first! Make sure they're on board, then have fun with it.

For those of you without a partner (probably most of my readers), I did some research for you guys and found a few things to keep you busy.  I'll keep these short.

Sacofricosis:  All you have to do is cut a hole in one of your pant pockets to facilitate masturbating in public.  Voila!

Dendrophilia:  This involves sex with trees  Just get creative!

Frotteurism:  You'll need a bus, metro rail or subway for this one.  Be ready to do some time behind bars, because this will require rubbing against a non-consenting person on some form of public transport.  Anyone who has lived in New York should be familiar with this already.

Ursusagalmatophilia:  If you like the idea of fucking teddy bears, this one's for you.

Agalmatophilia:  If you don't have a teddy bear, but there's a mannequin or statue handy, enjoy.

Now here is some homework for all of you.  If you're bored later, have some time on your hands, and want a good laugh, google some of these for fun.

- Blumpie
- The Pirate
- Gorilla
- Glass Bottom Boat
- Cleveland Steamer
- Rusty Trombone
- Dirty Sanchez
- The Shocker
- Strawberry Milkshake

(And the funniest, and equally disturbing, one I came across in my own search)
- Puppies in a Bathtub

If I've left some out that deserve a mention, feel free to add them in the comments below.

I hope you've enjoyed these.  Just remember, there's more to life than missionary and doggy style.  There is a whole universe of sexual perversion out there just waiting to be enjoyed.  So, get exploring!