Tuesday, March 19, 2013

The Benefits Of Being Ugly

Society definitely has its long-standing and well-entrenched standards of what being attractive means.  Despite some characteristics that garner our focus shifting from decade to decade, there are some that have always been pervasive and will continue to be well into the future.  Things like above-average height, signs of fertility, well-defined musculature and even a palpable aura of happiness have always been key factors in attracting the largest number of possible mates.  The benefits of possessing such qualities or features are obvious and undeniable.  However, for those of you out there that were dealt a raw hand and cannot claim any of these advantages, there is no need to worry.  The Alpha Betas might have popularity on lock in youth, but the nerds always triumph in the end.  Just ask Bill Gates.  So, I'll be highlighting a few reasons you should thank the universe for your ugly self.

The first thing I would like to address, which is of particular significance to me, is height.  When I was a kid, my physician predicted I would reach a height of 6'1".  Bullshit!  Thanks to the early administering of Ritalin, my growth was stunted.  I never made it passed 5'9".  If I had reached the predicted height of 6'1", I could have expected to earn more money throughout my life, been afforded more opportunities and slept with way more women.  But here's the upside.  Study after study, research after research has found that tall people die first.  It's a fact.  Shorter people lead longer lives.  Ha!  So, attractive women of the world, lower your standards, literally, and you may just find a partner that won't die on you.

As if a longer than average lifespan wasn't enough, ugliness also breeds success.  Face it.  It wasn't exactly raining women for the nerdy guys in your high school computer club.  As a result, aside from the hundreds of hours spent masturbating, they invested their time in studying.  They were plotting their revenge and inevitable comeuppance.  And most of the time, they are successful.  For proof, just go to your high school reunion.  Looks will fade, but the success and cash generated by your software company going public can last a lifetime.

When it comes to physicality, most of us were raised to believe fitness and strength are ideal when choosing a mate.  Hundreds of years ago, it made sense to choose a partner because he was strong enough to tackle large game with his hands.  Now, with local groceries all over the place, the concerns shifted to how to pay the ever-increasing grocery bill.  A young girl will still usually choose the beastly bodybuilder, but if that same woman grows up and makes it to her 30s single, best believe she's looking for a nice accountant.

Now, on to all of you overly happy and cheerful people out there.  Guess what?  You're going to die young!  The irony is delicious.  In one of the longest studies ever conducted, researchers analyzed a large group of children born in the 1920s straight on through to their ultimate demise.  They found that the most cheerful of the group were the first to drop off.  Apparently, being optimistic also makes you more likely to cliff dive and split your skull open.  Meanwhile, the broody, poetry reading types went on to live long, I'll be it more reserved, lives.                  

If you're ugly or just less than pretty, embrace it.  Ugly people are usually funnier.  The opinions of the ugly are listened to more often (as the people they talk to aren't necessarily thinking about how they can get into their pants).  The ugly are more likely to marry someone who actually appreciates them for who they are.  The ugly are the 99% and will one day rise up and crush the beautiful.  And in the end (somewhere in our 50s, I think) we all become fairly ugly...but they'll be ready for it.      


  1. lol I have to laugh at this one. It's dead on. I wasn't the popular pretty girl in high school. And I've always been the cynic although I've been trying to change my ways. And hey, I've turned out alright. ;)

    1. LOL. Thank you for your comment, Ileen. It put a smile on my face.