Tuesday, March 5, 2013

10 Reasons To Move To Portland (If You're Weird)

I'm moving to Portland!  Well, not really...but I probably should.  Long before the debut of the hilarious Portlandia, I had learned of the magical safe haven for weirdos from all walks of life.  For many, the idea of such a place holds a significant appeal.  Living in Miami, yes, the people are inordinately sexy.  But to have sex with these people you have to toe the line.  You are not free to stray and be yourself, unless being yourself means being like everyone else.  Granted, you're bound to find someone delicious who finds your natural weirdness ironically cool.  Trust me, I live for those moments.  Despite that, I find myself yearning for a place that encourages originality and embraces eccentricity.  This is where Portland comes in.

There are a great many reasons for weirdos like us to move to Portland, but here are just a few.

1. The World Naked Bike Ride  That's right!  The WNBR is a clothing-optional bike ride through the streets of Portland.  In Miami, we have Critical Mass.  This, is Critical Ass!

2. Yarn Bombing  Yarn bombing is a form of street art - yarn graffiti, as it were.  It's commonplace to see entire tree trunks and branches, even bike racks, enveloped in knitted or crocheted yarn.

3. The 24 Hour Church of Elvis  While the "church" has changed venues over the years, you can still walk in and get legally married, fake married and even temporarily married via coin-operated displays.

4. Dressing Down  If you like to keep it casual, fleece and flannel are often considered formal dress in Portland.  Keep it comfy, fuckers!

5. Brunch!  Sunday brunch is actually a most important event.  More people in Portland attend brunch than they do church.  Praise cheeses!

6. The Portland Urban Iditarod  A four mile course where participants in teams of five wear ridiculous costumes, pushing themed shopping carts from bar to bar.  The best part, everyone wins!

7. Old Guys Skate  Being in my thirties, I really appreciate this one.  It is typical to see guys in their 30s and 40s on skateboards and longboards.  No judging here!

8. Creepy Bathrooms  Apparently, it is all too common to walk into a bathroom and be greeted by a creepy mannequin that watches you while you do your business.  Deliciously disconcerting!

9. The Bicycling Lobby  It's like the mafia, but with pedals.  As a result, Portland has more miles of bike paths than any other city in America and is considered among the friendliest of cities to cycle in.

10. Voodoo Doughnuts  You can't talk about Portland and not mention Voodoo Doughnuts.  It's such a well established landmark in Portland that couples frequently choose to have their nuptials in the storefront.  And they put bacon in doughnuts, people.  That's basically food porn! 

So, start saving your pennies.  Get ready to trade in your sunshine for some torrential downpour.  We're moving to Portland!  Someday. 

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