A Short Story: Silence Will Satisfy

I sat in amazement that night as I watched her pump what must have been about $400 worth of white into her system.  Mia had always been a bit eccentric about her drug use, but that particular evening it seemed as if she was racing towards her last breath.  With a frenzied look in her eyes seething with lust and desire and a malevolently devilish smile blazing across her face, she snorted up two monstrous lines in anticipation of Death's arrival.  I haven't an idea as to which of my many chemical imbalances caused me to aid in her attempt, nor which entity granted me the patience to sit idly by and allow the destruction of this woman that I had and loved...for so little time.  Yet, I continued onward, feeding her sacred poison on a cursed spoon.  It was as if we both knew that her accelerated life was reaching its inevitable conclusion.  I had somehow agreed to accept it, and she had decided to embrace it.  Death, to her, was to be a tranquil lover who promised the peace that eluded her in life, seducing her with eternal sleep.

Children Are Creepy

This is so profoundly disturbing, I felt the need to share it with all of you.  (Please know: These are real drawings, drawn by a real child.)

The Benefits Of Being Ugly

Society definitely has its long-standing and well-entrenched standards of what being attractive means.  Despite some characteristics that garner our focus shifting from decade to decade, there are some that have always been pervasive and will continue to be well into the future.  Things like above-average height, signs of fertility, well-defined musculature and even a palpable aura of happiness have always been key factors in attracting the largest number of possible mates.  The benefits of possessing such qualities or features are obvious and undeniable.  However, for those of you out there that were dealt a raw hand and cannot claim any of these advantages, there is no need to worry.  The Alpha Betas might have popularity on lock in youth, but the nerds always triumph in the end.  Just ask Bill Gates.  So, I'll be highlighting a few reasons you should thank the universe for your ugly self.

10 Reasons To Move To Portland (If You're Weird)

I'm moving to Portland!  Well, not really...but I probably should.  Long before the debut of the hilarious Portlandia, I had learned of the magical safe haven for weirdos from all walks of life.  For many, the idea of such a place holds a significant appeal.  Living in Miami, yes, the people are inordinately sexy.  But to have sex with these people you have to toe the line.  You are not free to stray and be yourself, unless being yourself means being like everyone else.  Granted, you're bound to find someone delicious who finds your natural weirdness ironically cool.  Trust me, I live for those moments.  Despite that, I find myself yearning for a place that encourages originality and embraces eccentricity.  This is where Portland comes in.

Dance Like No One Is Watching

People all too frequently deny themselves the pleasure of cutting loose on the dance floor.  They worry about looking "weird".  They fear that if people see them getting down and funky that they will inevitably see them as being uncool.  I feel for these people.  I really do.  Dancing is one of the most liberating and joyful expressions one can perform with the human body.  It improves your physical condition.  It betters your cognitive functions.  It promotes happiness and reduces stress.  It can even help get you laid, people!

Weird Sex is Great Sex!

Anyone who would argue with the title of this post...well...they're just not doing it right.  Normal sex is probably responsible for more divorces than spousal abuse, financial problems and alcoholism combined.  See, normal is standard.  It's routine.  And the last thing you want your sex to be is routine.  As I have said in previous posts, weirdness is all about the unexpected.  That's why I wanted to take a moment and highlight the importance of not being afraid to get a little weird with your own sexual encounters.

Where The Weirdness Shines

I have received a few emails from people that were unsure as to where to start in regards to shifting gears and getting on the weird train.  In light of this, I felt the need to add some additional insights to encourage you to bring your own special brand of weirdness out to play.  Remember, I'm not necessarily encouraging folks to hit the streets performing interpretive dances covered in nothing but vinyl body paint and bat guano.  Now, if that's your thing, then by all means...enjoy.  I am, however, looking to highlight how a little weirdness can bring a new level of happiness and fulfillment to your life that you may have stopped believing possible.

The Intrinsic Value of Weirdness

Where would we be without the occasional explosion of weird propelling us forward?  This world tends to be thoroughly shitty at times, but if it weren't for the intermittent and delicious weirdness slapping me in the face from time to time, I'd surely kill myself.  Think about it.  This would be one boring-ass place if it wasn't for the sublimely weird.  Fashion would be nonexistent.  Everyone would look like they stepped out of a damn Gap ad.  There would be beige everywhere!  High school kids would have no one to make fun of to cover up their own insecurities.  Unicycles would never have been invented.  Ballroom dancing would be the only dancing.  Quantum physics would be easy to understand and make sense to everyone!  There would be no great literature, or even good literature for that matter.  All movies would go straight to video!  We would still be using smoke signals and mailing hand-written letters due to there never being any Bill Gates or Steve Jobs - those guys are/were crazy weird.  Art would only be found on designer paper towel rolls and ugly wallpaper.  Performance art wouldn't even exist.  Evolution itself would be stifled and grind to a halt, because let's face it...mutants are weird.  Merriam-Webster even defines the term weird as relating to the supernatural.  So, forget about religion, too.  Few things are as weird as the belief in an afterlife, that we die and float up to a magical place where we fly around with our dead friends and relatives for eternity in perfect happiness and total peace - that's insanely weird!

Only The Strong Will Be Weird

"Where's your will to be weird?"  This question was posited by the ever-weird and totally genius Jim Morrison - a personal hero of mine and many.  Certain friends of mine, as well as a few family members, have questioned my desire to be weird.  Now mind you, the people that are most likely to question such an inclination are usually the weirdest ones of all.  These people go to exorbitant lengths to be seen as normal.  In our society, to be normal means one must typically go against the grain of their very nature.  See, people have certain preconceptions of what it means for someone (or something) to be weird.

A Most Sudden and Overwhelming Hatred of Business Apparel

In the hope of conjuring up a more well-defined picture of how I arrived at this point in my less than illustrious life, I felt it prudent to share a bit of my backstory.  In an effort to maintain some semblance of brevity, I'll be sticking to what caused the initial "shift" for me.